


Winding Down

by ardett



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Allergic reaction, Allergies, Angst, Anxiety, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fainting, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Shock, Starvation, Unus Annus, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:36:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26978215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Ethan stops eating. But it’s more complicated than that.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Amy Nelson, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 24
Kudos: 373
Collections: eef whump





	1. Chapter 1

32:00:00:00

It’s not hard to notice that Ethan’s eating less. They’ve done more than one eating video on Unus Annus and it seems like each time they do, Ethan mentions that he hasn’t had anything to eat all day. Mark’s not really concerned but it’s on his radar. Being hungry makes Ethan even more distractible and erratic, they both know it.

Mark tries to offer him food before they film, an apple here, a granola bar there. Amy will buy lunch for all of them to eat before they start or they’ll invite him to stay for dinner. And that’s fine for a bit. Mark knows Ethan is trying to get in better shape and he can’t fault him that.

The problem comes about a few weeks later when Ethan’s acceptance of their offers just seems to slow for no reason.

-

“You eat yet?” Mark asks when Ethan walks in. He looks tired.

“Nah,” Ethan replies. He unclips Spencer’s leash but Spencer stays by his side, nosing at his ankle.

“Here, Amy made eggs and we saved you some.” Mark grabs the dish from the counter. He doesn’t want Ethan to feel like they’re babysitting him but they’ve planned for a long day of filming. Better to make sure Ethan’s well fed before they get started.

“Oh, thanks!” Ethan’s eyes light up for a second. He reaches for the plate and then pauses, withdrawing. “Um, actually, I’m good. But thanks for the offer.”

Mark raises an eyebrow at him. “You sure? Thought you said you didn’t eat.”

“Well, I— Don’t worry about it, Mark. Really, it’s fine.” Mark stares at him for a second and Ethan gives a nervous laugh before repeating, “Really. Promise.”

Mark sighs, putting the plate down. “Alright, man. Hope you’re ready to film then.”

The video goes surprisingly well, though Mark can tell Ethan is flagging towards the end. He invites Ethan to stay for dinner but Ethan declines, saying he already has plans.

-

Mark doesn’t know when he notices but Ethan’s getting skinner. All of a sudden, he can see Ethan’s ribs just barely outlined on his sides. The other boy doesn’t fill out his shirts the same way. Mark feels weirdly like he could break Ethan’s wrist and it doesn’t make him feel powerful, it makes him feel worried.

“Can we not do eating videos for a bit?” Ethan says.

“I’m not hungry,” Ethan says.

“Maybe later,” Ethan says.

“I don’t trust the ingredient list,” Ethan says.

“I ate at home,” Ethan says.

Mark can’t find the right moment to bring it up. The words keep getting stuck in his throat. He wants to ask Ethan about it but he knows that he can’t babysit Ethan and he’s almost certain Ethan will take it that way if Mark starts asking if he’s eating. He just doesn’t know what to do. He hasn’t seen Ethan eat anything for weeks.

-

Mark makes another offer for dinner after Ethan insisted they work through lunch and of course Ethan says, “No thanks, I’m good. I’ll probably head home soon anyway.”

“Stay and eat with us. We’re getting takeout from that Chinese place you like.” Mark tries not to make it obvious as he positions himself just slightly in front of the door. He doesn’t know why but suddenly he feels like this is the moment to try and push the subject.

They had such a good productive day. He thinks Ethan’s in a good mood and he knows he’s hungry. If he can just get Ethan to eat one single meal with them, his worries might be assuaged. 

“No, really man, I have some plans already for what I’m gonna cook tonight.” Ethan keeps glancing up at Mark since he’s standing in front of where Ethan’s shoes are. Mark doesn’t move.

“Yeah? What?”

Ethan narrows his eyes. “Sorry?”

Mark meets his gaze, unwavering. He sees Amy looking over at them nervously. She can probably hear how stiff his tone is. “What are you making for dinner?”

“Why are you grilling me, man?” Ethan mutters. He tries to sidestep around Mark. “Can I just get my shoes?”

Mark doesn’t let him. He can tell Ethan’s getting frustrated. “I thought you said you had plans already. I just want to know.”

Ethan scowls at him. “I’ll just like, order pizza or something, I don’t know. Am I free to leave now?”

“If you’re just going to order something, then you should stay and eat with us,” Mark insists. He doesn’t mean it to come out like a threat but maybe it does.

“Mark,” Ethan growls.

“Ethan,” Mark answers back, raising an eyebrow. He sees Ethan’s jaw tighten and fuck, this is exactly what he didn’t want to happen. He softens his voice, reaches out a hand to touch gently at Ethan’s elbow, “Ethan, I’m worried about you.”

Ethan’s nose wrinkles. “What? Why?”

“You’re…” Mark swallows. His hand falls away. “You’re not eating as much. And you’ve lost a lot of weight. Is it because of those comments?”

Ethan blinks at him. “What? No. I don’t even— What comment? The one from a month ago? I told you that didn’t bother me,” Ethan defends.

“I know but it’s just… It’s okay if it got to you but it’s not healthy—”

“Mark, it’s not that. I promise, it’s not anything like that,” Ethan insists. Mark wants to believe him. He does. Ethan sounds like he’s telling the truth but Mark can see the effects on Ethan’s body. 

Mark keeps his voice low and even. “What is it then? If it’s not what I think it is?” Ethan hesitates and Mark’s stomach twists. “Ethan, if you need help—”

Ethan stiffens. “I don’t have to listen to this. I’m leaving, I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pushes past Mark, tugging on his shoes and walking out the door. 

Mark almost goes after him before Amy warns, “Mark.” He looks over at her and when he turns around Ethan is already gone.

He sighs and runs a hand down his face, going over to Amy. “That was too aggressive, wasn’t it? I scared him away.”

Amy rubs at his shoulder. “I’m worried too. If we push him though... Hopefully when he feels comfortable, he’ll come to us.”

-

Ethan doesn’t come to them.

-

Mark watches Ethan’s hands shake while he fiddles with the camera settings. He doesn’t say anything.

-

He keeps asking Ethan to say for dinner. Ethan never says yes.

\- 

He hears Ethan’s stomach growl and sees the other boy tense. He doesn’t comment on it.

-

“It’s not what you think,” Ethan says, hands curled around his own bony knees one night. “I promise it’s not what you think. I just have to wait it out.”

“Wait what out?” Mark asks.

Ethan just shakes his head and murmurs, “It’ll be fine in a couple weeks. Then we can just forget this happened.”

“Ethan,” Mark breathes.

“Don’t,” Ethan interrupts. “You just don’t understand. I’m taking care of myself right now even if it doesn’t seem like it.” Ethan puts his head back on the couch. His eyes drift closed. Mark watches his throat flex as he swallows, sees him shiver in a room that’s already too warm. “Just a couple more weeks,” he repeats, eyes still closed.

“Until what?”

Ethan doesn’t answer him.

-

Ethan doesn’t make it another two weeks. Ethan doesn’t even make it another week before he passes out on Mark’s floor.

-

They’re filming a video in the kitchen. Mark was surprised that Ethan agreed to it, given how much resistance he’s been offering to any eating videos. But as much as he didn’t want to, Mark had promised that most of the video would be joking around and making the food rather than eating it.

“And now we taste test.” Mark gestures to the food they made. He glances over at Ethan.

“And now we taste test,” Ethan mutters reluctantly. Mark grabs a piece and Ethan hesitates before he copies Mark.

Mark counts them down before popping the bite in his mouth. He watches Ethan take a deep breath and follow suit, swallowing it down probably too quickly to taste. Ethan closes his eyes for a moment, inhaling through his nose and exhaling through his mouth.

“You good?” Mark asks.

“Mmhm,” Ethan hums but it sounds strangled. Mark hears his stomach rumble, hears his breathing pick up.

“Ethan? Calm down, okay? Just breathe,” Mark placates but Ethan only starts hyperventilating more.

His eyes snap open, full of fear. His hand shoots out and latches onto Mark’s forearm. 

“Mark.” The word strangles out. Ethan’s swaying on his feet. “I think I’m having a reaction.”

Mark’s whole body goes cold. “What?”

“I think I’m gonna— gonna pass out,” Ethan chokes out. 

His eyes roll back and then it’s like all his strings have been cut. He collapses to the ground, Mark only just managing to catch him before his head cracks down on the tile.

Distantly, he hears Amy say, “Oh my god, where— where are his epipens—”

Mark just holds Ethan and tries not to be sick. He can’t think of anything except that Ethan might be dying in his arms. He thinks he hears wheezing before he realizes it’s his own lungs.

“Where the fuck are they?” Evan yells. Mark hears things knocked off tables and crashing to the ground.

He shouldn’t have pushed Ethan on doing another eating video. This will be his fault if Ethan dies. He thought he checked all the ingredients but it doesn’t matter, all it takes is the tiniest slipup and now Ethan is going into shock on his kitchen floor.

“Oh god, why aren’t they here?” Mark thinks Evan might be crying. He can’t tell.

Amy runs back into the room. “Mark, we can’t find them, we need to call— Wait, his arms—”

Ethan’s eyes flutter open. His hand flies up his throat as he gasps. He stares up at Mark.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk. We’re gonna call an ambulance, okay? Just hold on—” Mark babbles. His hands clench in Ethan’s shirt. “It’s gonna be okay—”

“Mark,” Ethan says and his voice is weak but clear. “I— I can breathe. Don’t call 911, okay?”

“What?” The word bursts out of Mark almost like a sob. “We have to get you to a hospital if you’re having an allergic reaction.”

Ethan takes a deep, unencumbered breath in. “I don’t think it was an allergic reaction.” His head tilts back to rest on the floor. He looks exhausted.

“Maybe just in case—”

“Mark, look at his arms,” Amy cuts him off. “There aren’t any hives. Maybe it really wasn’t…”

“What was it then?” Mark asks desperately. 

“I think… I think I just fainted,” Ethan whispers. His hands cover his face. “Fuck, this is so embarassing.”

“I can’t—” Evan rushes into the room before exclaiming, “Thank god, fuck, you’re awake. Are— Did you find the epipens?” Mark feels Ethan tense beneath him.

Amy shakes her head. “Wasn’t an allergic reaction. He fainted.”

Evan looks over to Ethan. “Are you okay? Do we still need to call—”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Ethan starts getting to his feet. Mark puts a hand at his back and Ethan doesn’t push him away.

“Maybe you should sit though,” Mark suggests. Ethan gives a resigned nod and lets Mark lead him to the couch.

The four of them sit in silence for a few minutes before Ethan says, “Mark, I can see you staring at me. Just ask. I know you’re going to anyway.”

Mark doesn’t really want to ask. He’s sure that he already knows the answer. Would saying it outloud be too painful? Would Ethan even admit it?

Mark tests the waters. “I’m really worried about you, Ethan.”

Ethan’s shoulder hunch up to his ears. “You don’t have to be. I’m telling you it will all be fine in a week.”

Mark fixes him with a hard look. “It’s obviously not fine. You passed out on my kitchen floor.”

“It’s not what you think,” Ethan whispers. His hand wring together.

“Ethan.” Mark takes a deep breath. “If you… if you have an eating disorder, it’s okay. We’re here for you. We can help you.” The phrase is harsh and bitter in his mouth but Mark forces it out anyway.

Ethan shakes his head. “It’s not an eating disorder.”

Amy’s voice is much softer than Mark’s. “Ethan, you fainted because you weren’t eating enough. We’ve noticed. Please, just talk to us.” She puts a hand over Ethan’s and the boy winces.

“It’s… It’s not an eating disorder. I want to eat. It’s just… I… I didn’t want to tell you guys. Because it’s… It’s just complicated,” Ethan mumbles. His stomach growls and Mark can’t ignore it.

“You’re getting so thin, you have to see that. If you think you’re fat—”

Ethan cuts off Mark. “No, I know. I know I’m losing too much weight. I told you I want to eat,” Ethan growls, frustrated.

“Then why don’t you?” Mark asks, probably too roughly. The argument feels circular and all he can hear is the rumble of Ethan’s empty stomach on loop.

“Because I’m scared, okay?” Ethan spits. “Is that what you want to hear?”

Mark leans forward. “Scared of what? Gaining weight?”

“Mark.” 

Amy tries to get him to calm down at the same time Ethan says, _“No.”_

“Then what are you scared of?”

“I’m scared of dying!” Ethan yells. “I’m scared I’m going to have an allergic reaction and fucking die on your kitchen floor because I can’t afford the fucking epipens I need to survive this month!”

Mark gapes at him. “What?” he manages, barely audible.

“The epipens. We couldn’t find your…” Evan breathes.

“Yeah,” Ethan snarls. “You couldn’t find my epipens cause they don’t exist.”

“But— What— Ethan, you need those,” Mark states like Ethan doesn’t know that already.

“Yeah, I know.” The fight is finally leaving Ethan’s voice. He looks tired. Mark wonders if he’s going to faint again.

He just can’t wrap his head around it. Can’t afford them? 

“I just don’t understand. You spent a thousand dollars on charity the other month.” Amy looks at Mark like she’s trying to tell him to shut up but Mark just genuinely doesn’t understand how this happened. 

He thought Ethan was doing fine. Had Ethan been struggling to pay for basic necessities all this time? Had Mark just never known about it? When he asked Ethan to pay for video supplies, was he putting a burden on Ethan that made it so the other boy couldn’t afford the medical supplies he needed to live?

“I did donate but that was last month. It’s just… things got screwed up this month. We don’t have to talk about it.” Ethan won’t meet any of their eyes.

Mark doesn’t know the right way to broach the subject. “Ethan, if you’re… struggling with finances—” 

Ethan’s nails dig into the couch as his hands clench into fists. “What, Mark? You’re going to pay for everything then? You’re going to raise my pay? I don’t work for you anymore. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen!”

“Ethan, come on, you know I can afford to help you. It doesn’t have to be a big deal,” Mark tries to placate but Ethan only gets more heated.

“But it is a big deal! I can’t rely on you and Amy for everything. Do you think I don’t constantly remember how much I owe to you for everything I have? You don’t know what it's like to be reminded all the time by everyone you talk to that all the success you have is directly because of them.” Ethan stands, pacing across the floor.

“Who’s saying that to you?” Mark demands.

Ethan spins to face him. “Everyone, Mark! Fucking— Everyone, every time I stream, every time I do an interview, whenever I meet new people who know me through you. It’s just…” Ethan sighs, shoulders slumping. “It’s just the way it is. I get that. But when I figured out I wouldn’t be able to pay for it this month, I just couldn’t ask you for it.” Ethan holds up a hand to stop Mark from talking. “I know. I know you would have been more than happy to get it for me. But I just can’t be anymore in your debt, Mark. I just can’t,” Ethan insists.

“Ethan,” Amy breathes and Mark can hear the grief in her voice.

Ethan gives them a rueful smile. “You know what the dumb part is? It would have been fine if we hadn’t spent the Unus Annus money on camping for this month. That’s what it was, you know. And those videos were so fun but it just happened that my old epipens expired at the same time you told me I wouldn’t get the Unus Annus check for this month and that tipped it over the edge.”

Guilt, dark and cold, pools in Mark’s gut. “You should have told us,” he whispers, devastated. “We could have figured something out. Fronted the paycheck for this month.”

“Have you been listening to anything I’ve said?” And Ethan’s smile is so weak that Mark’s chest aches. “You know what, this has been an exhausting day. I’m just gonna go home, okay?”

He starts leaving. Mark doesn’t know what to do, what to think. Evan’s looking between them like Mark should do something but what does he want Mark to do?

“Don’t worry about it too much,” Ethan says before he walks out the door. His forced smile has finally fallen away. “In a week everything will be back to normal.”

Mark watches him go. Then he turns around and says to Amy, “We have to go to the pharmacy.”

-

Ethan knows he should have been paying more attention. He knew the expiration date was coming up. He should have been saving more. He should have been keeping track of his finances. He shouldn’t have made so many stupid purchases. 

He was just expecting the check from Unus Annus, which he knows he shouldn’t have been relying on because he never had it before, but he just… he… He didn’t expect Mark to say, “Hey, hope it’s okay that we had to spend most of the money from this month on the camping trip cause we rented out the property,” like it was nothing. 

And Ethan can still buy groceries. He can still pay his rent. He just can’t buy his epipens and buy groceries and pay rent.

It’s just a month. He just has to last a month.

Once he starts thinking about it though, he can’t stop. Sure, it’s been years since he had an allergic reaction but all it would take is one slip up. One tiny mistake and he could die. It’s better to be safe than sorry, isn’t it? And didn’t he want to start dieting anyway?

What if he just… didn’t eat as much? No risk of eating a peanut if he doesn’t eat period.

His previous allergic reactions haunt him.

He remembers coming out to LA and feeling his throat close while he was shopping, remembers calling 911 and administering the epipen to himself, remembers laying on the roof of his car with his body going into shock. It was California and the metal of the car was hot enough to burn him but he didn’t even feel it past the adrenaline coursing through him. He remembers texting Katherine but she wasn’t there with him. He remembers asking the person on the phone to stay on the line.

He thought he was going to die there, stranded and alone, across the country from his family and having accomplished so little of what he dreamed of.

Part of Unus Annus is appreciating what you have while you can but filming for the channel has just made Ethan all the more aware how easy it would be for him to just stop breathing because he ate something he shouldn’t have.

Therefore, the only logical solution is to try and limit what he eats.

Just for the month and then he’ll get his next paycheck. 

Ethan knows there’s one other solution but he can’t stomach it.

He could ask Mark to buy his epipens for him. 

Mark can obviously afford it. He probably wouldn’t make that big of a deal out of it. He might tease Ethan about spending his money on dumb knickknacks but he would never refuse Ethan outright. Plus, Ethan thought he was getting the money from Unus Annus and Mark spent it all on camping, so if anything, Mark owes him.

That’s not really the problem. The problem is the principle of it.

Ethan’s trying to be Mark’s equal. Mark was instrumental in getting Ethan’s channel to where it is now, there’s no denying that. But to be even more in Mark’s debt? To have to thank Mark for potentially saving his life because the livelihood that Mark helped provide him with isn’t enough for him to get his own epipens, to have to admit that?

No, Ethan’s not willing to do that.

He owes so much to Mark. It’s fine to owe his lifestyle to Mark, his career, his house, his friends, but he can’t owe his life to him. If he uses that epipen, Mark will literally have paid to save Ethan’s life. It’s the one thing Ethan can’t lose. If everything else Mark gave him went away tomorrow, it would be tough but he would be okay. He could fend for himself. 

But this is different. The chances of him needing the epipen are slim but if he did, it would be a life debt. He would owe Mark his life.

Maybe it’s silly to let essentially just his pride decide a matter that quite literally could be life or death but he’s already decided on his plan. And that plan doesn’t involve ever letting Mark know that he’s in a tough spot.

-

Mark doesn’t feel bad about it. He doesn’t. He had to do this. 

He understands where Ethan was coming from and of course he wants to respect Ethan’s wishes but he’d rather have an angry friend than a dead friend.

When Ethan comes in to film the next day, Mark places a pack of new epipens down on the counter in front of him. He got them as soon as Ethan left yesterday.

Ethan narrows his eyes. “Mark, I told you I didn’t want you to buy them for me.”

“I know.” Mark pushes them closer to Ethan. He doesn’t break eye contact. “I understand why you didn’t want me to buy them for you. This is the only thing I’m getting for you. This isn’t a pity thing or a charity thing. I know you can take care of yourself but I have to draw the line at making you survive over protecting your pride. Alright?”

Ethan hesitates. He doesn’t reach for the epipens.

“Come on, Eth. Just take them.” Mark isn’t above begging. Not for this. “One time thing. We never have to talk about it again. I just need to know you’re not going to die because someone got your order wrong. Please.”

The last word finally breaks Ethan down. He takes the epipens and stuffs them in his back pocket.

“Okay,” he mutters. “Okay, you don’t have to keep bringing it up.” Then Ethan sighs, running a hand over his face. “No, I’m sorry. I should say thank you. I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I know you’re trying to help. It’s just…” His voice fades to a whisper. “Humiliating.”

“If it wasn’t life or death, I wouldn’t push it. I hope you know that,” Mark says gently.

Ethan gives him the barest smile. “I know.”

-

Things are a little cold between them after that but Ethan’s eating again and that’s all that Mark can hope for. Eventually, their interactions thaw again. It’s being put behind them, slowly.

-

As soon as Ethan gets his next paycheck, he buys new epipens. Mark notices because the brand is different, a generic brand instead of the standard one. 

Mark has no idea if it’s more or less safe but it’s not really his place to ask. He knows it’s probably a bit cheaper. As long as it works, that’s all he needs to know.

And it obviously helps Ethan feel better because almost immediately, he’s more open with Mark. He smiles more when they’re together. He stays for meals after filming. This put a wedge between them but Mark doesn’t regret what he did. Ethan being safe is what matters, their relationship improving again is just a bonus.

-

A month later, Ethan finds Mark when he’s alone and apologizes.

“I’m sorry I was so weird about it. I didn’t want to admit it but I probably should have asked you for help in the first place.” Ethan’s fingers press into his forearms. “It would have been less of a big deal if I had just told you in the beginning.”

“Don’t worry about it, man. I get it,” Mark tries to relay.

Ethan shrugs. “But you don’t get it, is the thing. You don’t have people saying you owe everything you have to one person and then it turns out that you actually do owe them even more than you thought.” Ethan looks to the floor. “But I know you always mean well. You want to help me because we’re friends. I just wish I hadn’t needed it. It was bad timing.”

“I know,” Mark whispers. He rubs over Ethan’s shoulder before pulling him into a hug. Ethan tenses before relaxing into the embrace. Mark holds on as tight as he thinks Ethan will allow. “I just can’t lose you. I love you too much, okay? I know we don’t usually get sappy but it’s true. I can’t picture my life without you.”

Ethan wraps his arm around Mark, burying his face in Mark’s hoodie. “I know. I’m not going anywhere, okay? Not if I can’t help it.”

They hold onto each other for a long time, until they can let go and feel like the other won’t slip away. And when they finally loosen their hold, Mark knows they’ll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plot twist inspired by [this tweet](https://twitter.com/CrankGameplays/status/1308547936024801280) from Ethan
> 
> so remember when I said I only had one more fic before the end? yeah okay I lied, I'm speed writing everything I have left in me


	2. Chapter 2

00:00:00:00


End file.
